Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)
Latest PostsThe Power of Identity in Autism Coaching
If you want your young adult to change their behavior, you have to start deeper—at the level of identity.
I’ve seen this in every coaching relationship: until someone believes they are capable, every strategy feels temporary.
Why Identity Comes First
Many neurodivergent young adults carry invisible narratives:
“I’m different.”
“I’m behind.”
“Something’s wrong with me.”
These thoughts quietly shape every choice.
The job they apply for. The risks they avoid. The goals they never start. Our job as parents and coaches is to help them rewrite that story.
How to Rebuild Identity
Focus on Strengths Over Struggles.
Every week, have them name one skill they used well—no matter how small. This teaches their brain to see competence instead of deficiency.
Use “I am” Statements.
Replace “I can’t focus” with “I’m learning to focus.” Language is the mirror of identity—what we say, we start to believe.
Connect Identity to Action.
Instead of “You need to get a job,” say, “You’re the kind of person who takes steps toward independence.”
When their identity shifts, behavior follows naturally.
If you want your young adult to take consistent action, start with who they believe they are. Identity fuels motivation. Motivation fuels follow-through. Once they see themselves differently, everything changes.
Want to learn how to build identity as the foundation for independence? Join the Independence Path Membership and get monthly tools and coaching to help your young adult grow in confidence and purpose.
