The Power of Identity in Autism Coaching

Latest PostsUnderstanding Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA): Why Traditional Approaches Don’t Work — and What Does

If you’ve ever felt like every request turns into a battle — from brushing teeth to applying for jobs — you’re not alone.
Many parents of autistic young adults experience this constant tug-of-war and can’t understand why simple expectations trigger such resistance.
You might think it’s defiance or laziness.
But what’s really happening is something deeper — something known as Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA).

What Is PDA?

Pathological Demand Avoidance is a profile on the autism spectrum where a person experiences anxiety-based resistance to everyday demands — even things they actually want to do.
It’s not about being oppositional or manipulative. It’s about survival.
For someone with PDA, even minor demands can activate a deep sense of threat or loss of control, leading to avoidance, withdrawal, or meltdowns.

Common signs include:

• Extreme avoidance of tasks — even fun ones

• Intense need for control in daily life

• Sudden mood shifts or shutdowns when pressured

• Masking or charm to deflect authority

• High anxiety that increases with expectations

• PDA isn’t caused by poor parenting or lack of discipline. It’s a neurological response to perceived loss of autonomy.
  

Why Traditional Approaches Backfire

Most parenting and behavioral strategies rely on consistency, rewards, and consequences. But for someone with PDA, these methods often create more stress — and backfire completely. When pressure increases, their nervous system interprets it as danger. The more you try to push, reason, or persuade — the stronger their brain resists. This is why even positive pressure (“You’ll feel great after you do it!”) can backfire. To a PDA individual, any demand can feel like an attack on autonomy.

The Key to Success: Safety and Choice

The path forward isn’t through control — it’s through collaboration.
Your goal isn’t to remove structure; it’s to remove threat.



Here’s how:

1. Focus on Relationship Before Results

Connection lowers defense. When your young adult feels understood instead of managed, their nervous system relaxes — and cooperation becomes possible. Instead of “You need to do this,” try, “I get that this feels like too much. What would make it easier?”

2. Offer Choices Instead of Commands

PDA individuals thrive when they feel a sense of control. Give choices that preserve autonomy:
“Would you rather do this before or after dinner?”
“Do you want to apply for jobs together or take the lead and ask for help later?” Each choice builds safety, and safety builds cooperation.

3. Use Indirect Language

Softening demands can make a world of difference.
Try phrases like:
“I wonder if…”
“When you’re ready…”


“It might help if…”
These phrases remove urgency and create psychological space.

4. Validate, Don’t Debate

Logic won’t calm anxiety — empathy will.
Say, “I can see how stressful that feels,” instead of “It’s not that hard.”
Validation opens the door to problem-solving later.

When Avoidance Is Actually Overwhelm

Many parents mistake avoidance for apathy, but PDA is usually tied to intense sensitivity.
Even simple steps can feel like too much.
That’s why it’s essential to break goals into micro-actions — the smallest possible steps forward.
One of my clients, a 19-year-old with PDA, couldn’t start his college assignments.
Instead of demanding completion, we started with a single action: opening the laptop.
That one action built momentum. The next day, he opened the document. The third day, he wrote one sentence.
By the end of the week, he had finished two pages — on his own.
Progress comes from safety, not pressure.

The Parent’s Role: From Director to Coach

Parents often feel helpless or frustrated — but your role isn’t to force progress; it’s to facilitate it.
You can’t remove the anxiety, but you can create the environment where action feels safe again.
When your young adult feels seen, supported, and in control — progress becomes possible.

The Takeaway

PDA isn’t about opposition. It’s about autonomy and anxiety colliding in the brain.
The key to unlocking change is meeting your young adult where they are — with understanding, flexibility, and collaboration.
Every small step counts. Every moment of connection matters.
And with the right approach, even the most avoidant patterns can turn into genuine progress.

Ready to Learn the Steps That Work?

If your young adult struggles with avoidance, motivation, or burnout — there is a path forward.

Get my book, “Autism Launch Plan,” to learn how to coach with confidence, reduce resistance, and create lasting independence — one step at a time.